7 Tips to Help Comfort a Friend Who Is Hurting
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Going through tough times, like coping with a divorce, death of a loved, difficult diagnosis, or job loss, can be challenging.
Watching someone you care about struggle can be equally challenging. Knowing exactly what to say or how to show up for that friend is not always straightforward — and if you struggle with it, you’re not alone.
TikToker and happiness writer Stephanie Harrison (@stephaniehson) posted a video on the topic in January that garnered more than 633K views. “Sometimes in an effort to alleviate their pain, as well as our own discomfort, we accidentally end up hurting them,” she says in the video. One mistake she points to is ignoring the hard thing your friend is going through.
Avoid this pitfall and simply tell them that you’re there for them. “Ask what kind of support they need from you,” says Lea Trageser, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of Helix Marriage and Family Therapy in Hyde Park, New York. “This helps build a roadmap of how you can best support them through the difficult time.”
They may want you to offer advice and guidance, they might want you to simply listen while they talk about what they’re going through, or they might be looking for a break and a distraction.
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Here are some other suggestions from licensed therapists on more ways you can help and support a friend in need.
1. Let Them Decide When They Want to Talk
“Some days, individuals experiencing tough times may not want to discuss their situation or might not have the energy to talk about it,” says George Blackall, PsyD, a clinical pediatric psychologist at Penn State Health Children’s Hospital in Hershey, Pennsylvania.
Instead of asking someone to share what they’re going through with you, Blackall recommends saying something like: “If you ever feel like talking, I would be happy to listen.”
He explains: “It’s a kind gesture to let your loved one know that they are in your thoughts and that you’ll be there for them whenever they are ready and comfortable to talk.”
2. Validate What They’re Going Through
“Oftentimes, when you see a loved one hurting, your instinct may be to go into problem solving mode. However, many of life’s problems don’t have solutions, and even more often people don’t really want advice,” Trageser says. “Instead, it can be helpful to offer validation of what they are going through and let them know that they are not alone in it.”
Offer to listen to everything your friend is going through (if they want to share), and acknowledge that whatever difficult feelings they’re having are real.
3. When You Listen, Pay Attention to How Your Friend Describes Their Emotions
As you listen to your friend, pay attention to the feelings and emotions they’re describing. “The details of whatever is going on is not really that important in this process,” says David Grammer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of Grammer Family Therapy in Los Angeles. “Just focus on the emotions.”
Then, reflect these emotions back to your friend and make sure they know that their feelings are valid. Even if you don’t totally agree with how your friend is acting or reacting to the situation they’re in, you can validate the emotions behind it, Grammer says. (And, you don’t need to tell them you don’t agree with their actions unless they ask you.)
“Confirming for people that their emotions are reasonable is a connecting activity and can help them feel less alone in their difficulty,” Grammer says.
4. Ask Them if There’s Anything You Can Do to Help
Once you’ve listened to your friend and validated what they’re going through, it’s time to ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Blackall points out that certain traumatic events, like receiving a difficult diagnosis or dealing with a death in the family, can be extremely time-consuming as well as emotionally draining.
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“More often than not, people will be in need of practical help,” Blackall says. “Ask your loved one if you can pick up groceries, mow the lawn, do laundry, babysit, or drive them to their next appointment.” These gestures do double duty of showing the person that you care and taking tasks off of their plate.
5. Offer Physical Closeness if You Can
It’s not always possible to be physically present for someone — especially if a friend or loved one lives far away — but if being in the same room is an option, it can be really helpful.
“One of the best ways to help someone, whether it’s your child, your partner, or a friend, is to sit next to them and accompany them in their pain,” says Marisol Westberg, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and sex and relationship therapist in Portland, Oregon. “Be quiet, and metaphorically or literally hold their hand while they cry.”
Do, however, ask if they want you to be there. And it’s important to ask them if they feel comfortable being held or touched. But if they’re open to it, offering physical closeness can be very helpful.
6. Focus on Today
Each time you see your friend, Blackall recommends asking “How are you today?” instead of a more vague “How are you?”
During a trying time, each day can feel very different. Some days might feel really tough, while others might feel lighter. Being a little more specific when you check in can put a focus on the present, which can be helpful in making things feel less overwhelming, Blackall says. It also sends the subtle message that it’s okay to feel different from day to day.
7. Don’t Forget to Check In With Your Friend About Other Things, Too
“For many, something like grief can feel all-consuming,” Blackall says. But this doesn’t mean that grief — or something else your friend is struggling with — is all they want to talk about, all the time. “Sometimes during moments of difficulty, people need to remember that they have so many rich areas in their lives.”
While it’s good to check in regularly with someone who’s struggling, it’s important to ask about many different areas of their life, not just whatever has them down. “I suggest inquiring about their job, their home, or what their vacation plans are during their holiday break,” Blackall says. “This will give your loved one the chance to talk about something else.”
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