8 Dating Tips to Find a More Meaningful Connection
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Dating has always been a delicate dance. Putting yourself out there on the romantic stage requires courage and vulnerability, and it’s unusual for sparks to immediately fly. These days, with shifting attitudes toward relationships and lives lived more and more online, finding a meaningful connection may be harder than ever.
Modern dating has provided incredible access to potential matches with the advent of dating apps, says Caleb Birkhoff, of Caleb Birkhoff Therapy in San Francisco, but has also presented some serious challenges to making soul-level connections. “One reason is the impression of abundant opportunity. It is not that uncommon for folks to be dating multiple people at a time and really keeping their options open. As a result, it can feel as if you’re not getting someone’s full attention.”
Birkhoff adds that it can be hard to discern important details (like expectations and values) from dating apps alone. “If you’re looking for a longer-term relationship with a deeper connection, you might not be matching with like-minded individuals, which will certainly make it difficult to connect.”
An uptick in social anxiety may also be affecting today’s dating landscape. According to a study published in February 2023 in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, the COVID-19 pandemic heightened social anxiety in the general public. This may trickle into the dating scene. “Many of us are nervous meeting new people, so we may not feel comfortable acting like our true, authentic selves on the first date, or even for a while as we’re getting to know someone,” says Paige Rechtman, a psychotherapist in New York City. “It can be hard to make a meaningful connection when you’re experiencing anxiety or feeling insecure about yourself.”
Take heart, though: Real romantic connection isn’t a lost cause. With the right mindset and a solid game plan, it’s still possible to find a partner you resonate with. Try these eight therapist-recommended tips for increasing the likelihood of deeper connection on dates.
RELATED: How to Find Your Dream Date, Without Lowering Your Standards
How to Find More Meaningful Connection on Dates
1. Choose a Safe Space for Your Date
According to Rechtman, the first step to a meaningful connection is to ensure you’re safe. This means protecting both your physical and emotional safety. “I think a lot of people in today’s society have been burned by dating culture, so they have their guards up,” she says. “It’s hard to know when you can actually trust someone enough to open up about the more meaningful, vulnerable parts of yourself.”
Consider connecting on a low-stakes scale by starting with a phone call. This can give you a sense of your initial rapport and how you’d feel about meeting in person. If the conversation feels comfortable, make plans for a first date in an environment with minimal pressure, such as meeting for lunch or coffee.
2. Plan an Activity-Based Date
Don’t worry, planning ahead doesn’t have to suck all the spontaneity out of a date! Instead, it can set you up for deeper connection.
Rather than winging it, plan an activity-based date, recommends Birkhoff. “Pick an activity or a setting that allows for you to interact — even better if it’s something that facilitates some discussion.” Try playing a two-person sport, visiting an amusement park, or participating in a cooking class. You’ll reap the win-win of having fun and getting to know each other.
You can also come up with a few conversation starters ahead of time. “Think about questions that may create a more meaningful connection,” says Rechtman. What would you like to know about a potential partner? Rechtman suggests questions like:
- What were you like as a child? What did you like to do?
- If you could go anywhere and do anything right now, what would it be?
- What is your proudest moment?
- Do you ever have any recurring dreams? If so, what are they?
3. Hone Your Listening Skills
As you pose questions to your date, be sure you’re listening attentively to their responses. Good listening skills not only show your date that you’re genuinely interested in them, it helps you determine whether the two of you are a good fit. “Ask questions and really listen to the answers, both what you hear the other person saying and how it makes you feel,” says Bonnie Scott, of Mindful Kindness Counseling in San Antonio, Texas. “Your gut instincts will tell you a lot about the quality of the connection you’re feeling with another person, and that’s true no matter what stage of dating people are in.”
4. Keep an Open Mind on Your Date
Attitude, as they say, is everything. Keep an open mind about your date and you may notice areas of compatibility you weren’t expecting or looking for. “Meaningful connections are all about getting to know someone, so remember this word: curiosity,” says Rechtman. “Try to put any judgments or anxieties aside and instead be curious about who you’re with, and also about yourself while on the date.”
5. Consider What Meaningful Connection Looks Like to You
To know if you’re establishing a meaningful connection with a date, it’s critical to know what that actually looks like to you. Rechtman recommends taking time to reflect on other close relationships in your life. “What parts of those connections do you want in a partner? What is it about the other people you have connections with that make you feel safe? Look for those things while dating.” Journaling or talking these points through with a trusted friend could help you identify them more clearly.
The really good news? The more you establish good relationships in other areas of life, the more likely you are find them through dating, Rechtman says. “When you learn to create meaningful connections in your personal life, that will help set you up for meaningful connections in your dating life. And it will help you know what you’re looking for.”
6. Set Expectations for Yourself and Your Date
People’s expectations around dating run the gamut. Some folks just want to go out and have a good time, while others are actively seeking a spouse. To save yourself (and your date) confusion and disappointment, get on the same page from the get-go. “I would suggest that you approach any date, especially the first one, with a clear expectation of what you want, a respectful (but direct) way to communicate that, and boundaries of your own,” says Birkhoff.
If deep connection is what you’re seeking, you don’t have to state things too seriously. Just let the other person know your personal goals for dating, preferably sooner rather than later.
7. Be Honest (but Not Overly Vulnerable)
True connection occurs when we’re honest and authentic. But, especially early in a relationship, oversharing can be a turnoff (and may be downright inappropriate). Instead of telling your date all the details of past relationships or traumatic childhood experiences, paint an honest picture of your life in broad strokes.
“Be ready to share things about yourself, but remember that being honest does not necessarily mean full disclosure,” Birkhoff says. “A common mistake I see is people coming out the gate too hot. Even when you’re looking for something meaningful and long term, the beginning can be a slow burn.” As you develop a closer relationship, you can share more deeply over time.
8. De-stress to Ease Dating Jitters
Dating anxiety is extremely common. If you get the jitters leading up to dates, know that it’s totally normal. Do your best to take the pressure off and bring stress levels down. (Breathing exercises, visualization, and meditation may all help.) “Relax so you can be authentic and focus on the person you’re spending time with — the way they make you feel, your shared values, and if you feel the potential for a connection,” recommends Scott. “If it’s not fun, take a break and reset your energies so you can have a good time with new people.”
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