Coping With a Partner’s Autism Spectrum Disorder – Autism Center

Among the different ways that ASD can manifest, people with classic autism can have severe impairments in language development and the ability to relate to others. Those with Asperger’s traits are affected to a lesser degree but often have difficulties connecting on a social and emotional level, notes Autism Speaks. They may have a hard time reading verbal and nonverbal cues like body language and facial expressions, and they may have trouble making eye contact. They sometimes don’t pick up on “how” something was said, only on “what” was said. People with the Asperger’s characteristics of ASD may also lack empathy, the ability to understand the feelings of others. They may unwittingly say or do inappropriate things that offend or hurt others’ feelings.

People with the Asperger’s type of ASD can have unique traits, according to the Nationwide Children’s Hospital, with some common characteristics that include:

• Average or even above-average intelligence
• A keen interest in or obsession with a particular subject — an unusual interest in trains, for example — and being a master on that subject
• Having strict routines or rituals and having a hard time with change or transitions
• Sensory issues

Because of these eccentricities and a frequent lack of social skills, people with ASD may make few friends and are often considered loners.

How Asperger’s Traits Impact Relationships

Lack of empathy is one of the most challenging problems for someone with Asperger’s who is in a relationship, says Kathy Marshack, PhD, a psychologist in Portland, Oregon, who works with couples affected by ASD and is the author of Life With a Partner or Spouse With Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge?

The non-Asperger’s member of the relationship gets angry and hurt by the partner’s lack of emotion and understanding, often saying things like, “You just don’t get it!” Because the person with Asperger’s does indeed “not get it,” he or she pulls away and gets angry and defensive, Dr. Marshack says. Over time, the emotional disconnect can chip away at the relationship. The non-Asperger’s partner often feels unloved, worn down, and depressed, she says.

These couples also face a number of other challenges, including:

• Sexual Problems Marshack says sex is one of the first things to fall apart in these relationships. Some of the problem arises from sensory issues, but the lack of empathy can also be a factor. People with ASD who have Asperger’s traits can’t gauge what their partner enjoys (or does not enjoy) by reading their body language. Says Marshack: “Who wants to constantly talk their way through sex, saying things like, ‘Please put your hand here’?”
• Strain During Social Settings Because a person with ASD has difficulty with social skills, Marshack says, their partner is always ready to swoop in and “save” the other partner from embarrassment. Socializing can become simply too much work, and the couple stops doing it or the partners start living separate lives. Sometimes the Asperger’s partner may abuse alcohol to lower inhibitions and feel more “normal” in social situations, she says.
• Parenting Problems “When children enter the picture, it’s often the demise of the relationship,” says Marshack. The non-Asperger’s partner is often devastated by the lack of empathy shown to the child: The Asperger’s parent may ignore the child, make caustic comments, and not recognize when the child needs comforting. Sometimes the Asperger’s parent is overly strict or way too lenient, leaving much of the real parenting up to the non-Asperger’s partner. This sets up a parenting battlefield, even though both parents love the child.

4 Ways to Cope When Your Partner Has Autism Spectrum Disorder

For the most part, people with milder forms of ASD may want to be loving partners and parents, but they need help learning how to do it, experts say. Here’s how to make life a little easier for everyone:

• Communicate your needs directly. Do this either verbally or in writing and without emotion. Don’t hint — they will benefit from clear directions.
• Set clear rules about parenting. Marshack says that the Asperger’s partner needs to agree to stop talking to or disciplining the child in certain situations if the non-Asperger’s parent says to. The Asperger’s partner might be missing something the other parent can pick up on. Discuss the situation as a couple and work out a solution.
• Consider therapy. Marshack suggests starting with individual therapy for both partners and then doing couples therapy. Realize you can’t “fix” your partner, but education is the first step. “Read everything you can about Asperger’s, and become an expert about the dynamics of your own relationship,” Marshack says.
• Seek support. Consider joining a support group. Autism Speaks offers links to more than 90 different groups, and Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults With ASD is a community specifically for men and women who love an adult with Asperger’s.