How Does Depression Affect Romantic Relationships?
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Depression can weigh on many aspects of people’s lives, and that includes romantic relationships and marriage, research shows.
Although the exact causes of relationship strain vary from couple to couple, one key reason may be that common symptoms of depression — such as irritability, loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, fatigue, and lack of energy — can affect a relationship.
For instance, “Some individuals who experience depression may feel guilty about not having the energy to spend time with their partner, but they may also feel stuck due to their depressive symptoms,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a New York City–based clinical psychologist and an adviser for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “Although they know that doing things with their partner will be good for them, they sometimes do not have the mental and physical energy.”
If depression is negatively affecting your relationship, it’s important to work together with your partner to address it. In fact, not doing so can have serious consequences. One study of more than 20,200 Norwegian married couples, published in 2015 in BMC Public Health, showed that rates of divorce are significantly higher among couples in which one partner experiences some form of mental distress, such as depression, than in couples in which neither partner experiences mental distress.
Here are five signs that depression is taking a toll on your relationship (plus, five tips for lessening its impact).
1. You’re No Longer Doing Activities You Both Used to Love
Anhedonia — loss of interest, enjoyment, or pleasure in things once enjoyed — is a hallmark symptom of depression, according to Cleveland Clinic.
If you have depression, the condition can affect all parts of your life, including activities you used to find fun and that once made you happy, per Cleveland Clinic. This can be difficult for some partners without depression to understand.
“If the couple usually enjoys going out together for movies, dinner, time with mutual friends, and one partner withdraws from these activities because of depression, it may become a point of contention for the other partner,” says Stacey Neal, MD, a psychiatrist at Kaiser Permanente in Baltimore.
2. You Experience Self-Esteem Issues That Negatively Affect the Relationship
Depression is linked to low self-esteem and self-criticism, according to Mayo Clinic. It can make some people with the condition feel like there’s something wrong with them, and that other people around them — including their partner — are judging them, explains Dr. Lira de la Rosa. As a result, some people with depression may also question whether their partner truly wants to be in a relationship with them, he adds.
“Some partners may internalize that something is wrong with them and may feel that their partner does not find them desirable,” says Lira de la Rosa. “This can translate to them spending a lot of time alone and perhaps saying no to their partner when they would like to do some activities together.”
3. You Isolate More From Your Partner
Some people with depression may become withdrawn, even from family and loved ones, according to Mayo Clinic.
“For instance, this can lead to someone with depression not sharing with their partner that they are going through a tough time or asking for support from their partner,” says Lira de la Rosa. “As a result, the other person in the relationship may not be aware of what is happening or know how to best support their partner.”
Having support from loved ones can be a key part of managing depression, and becoming isolated from others can worsen your symptoms, according to Mayo Clinic.
4. You and Your Partner Have More Frequent Misunderstandings
While all couples have conflict — and some conflict can be healthy, experts say — conflicts tend to happen more frequently among couples in which one partner has depression. Research shows that many people with depression have more negative interactions than positive interactions with their spouse or partner, compared with people without depression.
One potential reason: Heightened irritability and sensitivity are common symptoms of depression. Sometimes in relationships, these symptoms can cause issues that may seem small or innocuous to one partner — like playful teasing, for example — to be misconstrued by the partner with depression, says Dr. Neal.
Another common type of misunderstanding, which Lira de la Rosa often sees among his patients, has to do with not knowing the best ways to support each other. For instance, the partner with depression might feel that their partner doesn’t check in on them in ways that they find helpful, or that their partner doesn’t care. “When in reality, the other partner may have tried to check in and offer support and it was rejected,” says Lira de la Rosa.
“This then creates a cycle of someone feeling that they are not getting the support they need, but they may not see that their behavior and emotions may push supportive people away,” he adds.
5. You and Your Partner Are Less Intimate Than You Used to Be
If you find that depression is hindering your sex life, you’re not alone. Depression leads to sexual dysfunction in almost 83 percent of women and 63 percent of men with the condition, research shows.
This can happen for several reasons, including symptoms such as fatigue and lack of energy. What’s more, certain antidepressants can weaken sex drive, cause erectile dysfunction, or make it difficult to reach orgasm, per Mayo Clinic.
If depression is negatively affecting your sex life, it can pose several challenges for a relationship. Sexual problems may be something you find distressing, which in turn may exacerbate your depressive symptoms. Or, for instance, some partners may not understand why sex has dwindled and could feel confused or even hurt as a result.
RELATED: How to Have a Healthy Sex Life if Depression Is Getting in the Way
5 Ways to Manage Depression’s Impact on Your Relationship
While living with depression can feel overwhelming, the good news is that there are steps people can take to feel better, which can in turn help improve romantic relationships too. These five tips can help.
1. Stick to Treatment
One of the best ways to lessen the effects of depression on your relationship is to make sure your symptoms are treated. For your best chance at symptom relief, it’s important to be consistent with your treatment (or seek treatment from a mental health professional, if you haven’t already). Psychotherapy and medication are the most common and effective treatments for depression, according to Mayo Clinic.
2. Work on Healthy Communication
Learning and practicing healthy communication skills, such as being honest with each other in respectful ways, validating each other’s feelings, and finding compromise, can help couples address their challenges together, according to The JED Foundation, a nonprofit geared toward improving emotional health and preventing suicide among teens and young adults.
3. Try Couples Therapy
By going to therapy or counseling together, couples can learn how to address depressive symptoms and any other issues together as a team, per The Family Institute at Northwestern University. It’s also a great way to learn and practice healthy communication skills.
4. Prioritize Self-Care
As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care (any activity you do to take care of yourself so that you can be healthy, well, and productive) is a key part of a healthy relationship, according to Love Is Respect, an intimate partner violence prevention organization. Regularly practicing self-care can help you feel better and allow you to be a more present partner, per McNulty Counseling and Wellness.
5. Try to Rekindle Intimacy
As noted earlier, there are several reasons that depression can put a strain on your sex life, including reduced sex drive, sexual dysfunction, and the side effects of antidepressants.
If you feel your depression is negatively affecting your sex life (and your relationship as a result), there are steps you can take to lessen its impact. For starters, it can help to tell your partner about what you’re going through and why your depression is impacting your sex drive, according to Mayo Clinic. And if both partners feel ready to be intimate again, it can help to start small and slow and gradually ease into it.
It can also help to talk to your doctor about what you’re experiencing, because they can help you narrow down the cause. For instance, if you take antidepressants and they’re causing sexual side effects that don’t go away, your doctor may opt to adjust your medication dose or switch you to a different antidepressant, per Mayo Clinic.
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