How to Cope When Your Partner Comes Out as Gay

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According to a December 2013 New York Times article, at least 5% of American men are gay. Could your husband be? To help confirm – or relieve – your suspicions, read on for 5 possible signs your husband is gay… No woman wants to discover that her husband is gay. But it happens more frequently than you might think – whether you had a feeling all along or it came as a complete surprise. The news can be devastating to families, especially when there are children involved. However, some women may feel relief if they’ve endured a long and painful marriage. Some couples still stay together regardless if the husband is gay. The need for the children to have their father around and desire to model a traditional family is often so overwhelming that some couples – not just women – place their mental health and emotional well-being at risk.
Is he or isn’t he? While you may have suspicions that your husband is gay, don’t assume until you know for sure. “The only way to know the truth about your husband is to confront it head on and deal with it directly,” says John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach. “If, in fact, he’s living a secret life and not being honest with you, it’s best that you find out now.” So if you’re asking yourself, “Is my husband gay?” read on for 5 possible signs. Then “you’ll have to make your decision based on your own intuition and whether you trust and believe in your husband,” says Lifescript Relationship Expert Venus Nicolino, Ph.D. “If, in the end, all you have to go on is his word and that’s not good enough, your marriage may have deeper issues – even if your husband is straight.” 1. He displays extreme homophobic behavior If your husband turns almost militantly angry when confronted by someone who’s gay, he may be gay himself. People often lash out at those who embody traits they don’t like about themselves. If someone is frustratingly shy, they might grow furious when seeing someone struggle to express him or herself. They are, in fact, empathizing with that person, but it doesn’t come across that way. If your husband continually makes “gay” jokes or has a certain amount of rage toward homosexuals or homosexual behavior, let that be a warning sign. Of course, he may just be opposed to homosexuality. But at least consider the possibility.
2. He watches homosexual pornography With the click of a mouse, we have access to all types of pornography. If your husband is watching or reading homosexual pornography, it’s probably not because he’s curious. It’s simply too risky an activity to merely “check out.” 3. He talks to men frequently on the phone Is your husband receiving an inordinate amount of phone calls from men? If they’re men you don’t know or men that your husband doesn’t willingly talk about (such as an old friend from high school who he recently reconnected with), be concerned.
4. He spends too much time with one man Guys typically don’t hang out one on one; they prefer group settings. Too much alone time with one man is another sign your husband may be gay. At the very least, he’s probably involved in a level of intimacy with his male friend that he should be saving for you. Trust your instincts. 5. He’s not sexually interested in you Does your husband always avoid sexual intimacy with you? Or maybe he had little to no desire all along? If he’s difficult to arouse or seems to be on another planet mentally during intimate moments, it could be a medical problem – or he may be gay.
If any of these signs are hitting home, don’t be afraid to talk to him. “Be thoughtful and considerate about how you approach this topic with your husband. If he isn’t gay, being asked such a question might seem insulting or even hostile,” Dr. Nicolino says. “Your husband could be in denial about his sexuality.” If he doesn’t offer a believable explanation, search deeper. You have every right to probe; it’s your future and your family’s well-being on the line. “I strongly encourage you to make an appointment with a marital therapist or visit someone from your local place of worship and explore your concerns there,” adds Dr. Sklare.

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