Is IBS Ruining Your Dating and Sex Life?
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Dan Collins had just started a stressful new job in Colorado when he was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a gastrointestinal condition marked by painful bloating, diarrhea, gas, and constipation.
“I would eat something and 30 minutes to an hour later, I’d be doubled over in pain, literally,” says Collins, a public relations executive who now lives in the Baltimore area. Still, IBS didn’t stop Collins from joining a singles club that organized group activities like hiking, hot-air ballooning, and movie nights.
When Collins moved back to his home state of Maryland, his quest for Ms. Right continued. Over the next two and a half years, Collins had 60 blind dates.
“You learn to be a good actor,” Collins says, as in “Uh-oh! I need to use the restroom now,” while not letting your panic show.
For Collins, diarrhea was his predominant IBS symptom. “I would have the most problems after eating, so I would try to plan dates that didn’t involve food,” Collins says. And if Collins did need to use the restroom on a date, he would try to time it for when his date had to go. “But I was always the guy who would be in there longer than her,” he says.
On one cringeworthy date, at a Broadway performance of The Nutcracker, Collins was holed up in the restroom during the opening curtain. “Come on! We’re missing the play!” his date screamed from outside the men’s room.
“I’m doing the best I can!” Collins yelled back. The couple broke up soon after.
The Challenges of Dating With IBS
“Dating can be challenging even under normal circumstances, but IBS can bring up additional obstacles, such as the unpredictability of symptoms, the need for quick access to a bathroom, and a special diet,” says Kara Gross Margolis, MD, a pediatric gastroenterologist and clinical associate professor at the NYU Grossman School of Medicine in New York City.
When you have IBS, sex, especially with someone new, can be extra intimidating. What if you have an IBS episode before, during, or after? What if you’re staying over at someone’s house for the first time and you can’t find the bathroom? Even just nervous thoughts about sex can bring on IBS symptoms if stress is your trigger, says Judith Scheman, PhD, the director of behavioral medicine for the Digestive Disease and Surgery Institute at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio.
Fortunately, IBS doesn’t have to derail your dating and sex life. These expert strategies can help you connect with confidence.
Advice for Managing IBS and a Dating Life
The time to reveal your IBS is different for everybody, but generally, you may not want to make it the topic of your first date. “In the initial stages, keep it low-key,” Collins says. “But as you become more intimate with someone, you’ll find there’s nothing you won’t talk about.” That’s the time to tell all. You might start by saying, for example, “You may have noticed that we haven’t done anything that involves food. You’re probably thinking, ‘What’s the deal here? I’m hungry!’”
You might find that your date has something he or she has been meaning to tell you, too. In Collins’s case, his special someone, Tina Saratsiotis, whom he met on Match.com, revealed that she had the constipation form of IBS.
“We bonded over food and digestion issues,” Collins says. Several months into their dating life, right before the couple was going away for Valentine’s Day weekend, Tina revealed another very personal concern: She had schizoaffective disorder. “I was like, ‘I don’t care,’” Collins says.
Learn relaxation techniques. To get a handle on dating and sex anxiety when you have IBS, moment-by-moment stress management is key.
You may want to try digestive relaxation podcasts, such as the ones Scheman has recorded for Cleveland Clinic’s behavioral medicine program. These 6- to 11-minute-long podcasts will teach you breathing techniques, tactile relaxation cues (such as touching your thumb and forefinger together), and word cues like “Relax,” to help you stay calm.
RELATED: Mindfulness Meditation Reduces IBS Symptoms and Anxiety, Study Finds
Ask for your partner’s understanding. There will always be good days and bad days with anything. To manage bad IBS days, “ask for understanding in a way that makes your own needs known while letting your partner know you’re working on solving the problem,” Scheman says. For example, you can say something like this: “It has been a really hard week, and as much as I’ve tried to control my symptoms, I just haven’t been able to. Would you mind if we stayed in on Saturday night and watched a movie instead of going out?”
Don’t make your IBS your partner’s issue. Avoid using your IBS against someone by, say, threatening that if they make you angry it might trigger your symptoms. That’s not a healthy way to deal with conflict. Instead, Scheman says to try addressing interpersonal conflict by saying something like, “I would prefer we talk about our disagreements rather than yelling because I find that really upsetting.”
In a healthy relationship, you’re responsible for your emotions. “It’s your responsibility to manage your well-being,” Scheman says. “You can’t control whether the other person is happy, upset, glad, or mad. You can only control your reactions to it.”
Finally, don’t let IBS define you. Constantly remind yourself of your good qualities. IBS is only part of who you are. “The right person will want to date you for the whole package,” Dr. Margolis says. Be on the lookout for someone who is understanding, thoughtful, kind, supportive, and patient.
“The key is to find someone who doesn’t judge you,” says Collins, who met Tina in 2009 — and they’ve been married since 2014.
Additional reporting by Ashley Welch.
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