Dating Can Be Tough — How to Take Care of You, According to Psychologists
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Attending to your mental and emotional health is always a great idea, but some situations in life call for giving yourself a bit more TLC than usual. One such time: when you’re on the casual dating scene. Though “casual” dating might sound carefree and lighthearted, sometimes, the very element of casualness can make the process surprisingly stressful.
Here’s why looking for love — or even just for fun — can take a toll on you emotionally, plus tips from mental health experts on staying grounded.
Why Casual Dating Is Emotionally Taxing
So you want to get romantic but not necessarily get serious? Casual dating is probably your best bet. Just be aware that low-strings-attached relationships can be more emotionally fraught than they look in rom-coms. Even if you’re going for casual, your heart is still involved.
“Dating, in general, can be stressful because it often involves a lot of emotional investment,” says San Francisco–based Caleb Birkhoff, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s easy to develop expectations and become emotionally invested in someone. It can then be challenging if you find out that the relationship isn’t going to work out or that you had a different experience than they did.”
Today’s dating technology doesn’t make the emotional side of things easier, either. “Dating apps have changed the dating scene, where often the focus is on quantity, speed, and looks,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “While, initially, the experience of online dating can be exciting and rewarding, for many, it can also become tedious and disappointing.” Ghosting is common, she says, and interacting through text or dating platforms can be unsatisfying and ripe for miscommunication. Tellingly, users of swipe-based dating apps report higher levels of depression, anxiety, and distress than non-users, according to a study published in 2020 in BMC Psychology, although the researchers noted it was not possible to say whether app use was the cause of those symptoms.
And if you’re looking for a long-term partner, rather than a casual connection, dating can be a particular emotional rollercoaster. “For people searching for more serious and long-term relationships, dating apps can make it challenging to connect based on values, and can also offer so many options that people struggle to make a choice and commit to a relationship,” Lurie says. You’re not alone if you feel confused or burned out by your dating experience.
How to Take Care of Yourself Emotionally While Dating
With all the potential for emotional whiplash while dating, prioritizing your own self-care is key. Experts suggest these six guidelines when dating casually.
1. Start With Self-Reflection
From the get-go, it’s helpful to understand your own expectations. Before you set up that profile, give some thought to what you’d really like to get out of casual dating. “Think about what you’re looking for and strategize how you might optimize towards that type of relationship,” Birkhoff recommends. Does that look like a few dates for fun and companionship or the possibility of something more long-term? The answers can direct which dating apps you choose and the type of people you match with. The more you align your experience with your desires for dating, the happier (and less stressed) you’re likely to be with the outcome.
2. Check in With Yourself Regularly
Throughout the casual dating process, don’t get so caught up in the excitement that you ignore how you’re really doing. “Regularly take time to reflect on your emotional state, preferences, and boundaries,” says Brooklyn, New York–based psychologist David Tzall, PsyD. Perhaps that looks like journaling, talking with a friend, or even hashing things out in ongoing therapy sessions. “Developing a strong sense of self-awareness can help you understand your emotional needs and recognize when certain situations are affecting you negatively,” Dr. Tzall says. From there, you can make the best decisions for your own emotional well-being.
3. Plan Dates That Support Emotional Health
Let’s face it: Activities like clubbing or bar-hopping aren’t exactly known for being uplifting. How about building some emotional support right into dates themselves? “I suggest pairing dates with activities that could be beneficial to your mental health,” says Lurie.
Rather than the same old “been there, done that” dating meetups, consider enriching activities where you can learn a skill or soak up some culture. If you’ve been hankering to try a cooking class, visit a museum, or browse through a bookstore, invite your date along for the experience. “Having a date join you for engaging activities that allow you to fill your cup can have added benefits and mitigate feelings of discouragement if the person on the date isn’t the right fit,” Lurie says.
Similarly, try timing your dates in ways that won’t drain you. If you have to work early the next day, for example, set an afternoon coffee date or early evening happy hour.
4. Make Time for Self-Care
The dating scene can be super stressful, so don’t forget to support yourself with healthy self-care. Tzall recommends taking time for activities that refill your emotional reservoir. “This may include exercise, meditation, spending time with friends and family, pursuing hobbies, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation,” he says. Anything that feels refreshing for your spirit can be part of your self-care toolkit.
5. Lean on Your Support Network
As you face the stressors of the casual dating world, leaning on your support network (such as friends, family, or a therapist) can help you process through your experiences. “Having a supportive environment can provide you with a safe space to express your emotions and gain valuable insights from trusted individuals,” Tzall says. Getting support from loved ones can also give you a greater sense of personal stability, ultimately making you a better potential date.
6. Take the Time You Need
When it comes to casual dating, there’s no pressure to find a mate overnight, so take some stress off by letting go of a preconceived timeline. Forcing things to happen quickly can set you up for anxiety and disappointment. If the process feels too emotionally taxing, it’s also healthy to allow yourself some space away from dating. “It is okay to take time off dating and heal your emotional wounds before getting back in the game,” Birkhoff says. The scene will still be there whenever you feel ready to jump back in.
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