7 Tips for Raising an Emotionally Healthy Kid
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Emotionally healthy kids don’t just survive. They thrive.
That’s according to Stacey Doan, PhD, professor of psychological science at Claremont McKenna College in California and coauthor of Nature Meets Nurture: Science-Based Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids.
When kids are mentally healthy (a term often used interchangeably with emotionally healthy), they reach milestones in social and emotional development; have strong social skills; cope well with problems; function at home, school, and in their communities; and have a positive quality of life, per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
Who wouldn’t want that for the kids they love?
Many factors can influence a child’s emotional health, says Dr. Doan. Some are quite broad and difficult to change, like your neighborhood conditions and access to healthcare, she notes.
But nurturing from caregivers is important, too, says Doan, who studies how relationships support healthy child development. The science even suggests practical strategies for raising emotionally healthy kids that are doable during already busy days. Here are seven tips suggested by experts.
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1. Learn a Little About Social and Emotional Development
While you don’t need a PhD in child development to parent, it pays to brush up on the basics. “I think it’s really important to educate yourself,” Doan says.
Knowledge of development (what kids may need and be able to do given their age) helps parents have realistic expectations, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). For example, some caregivers worry they’ll spoil their babies by picking them up when they cry, but Doan says that concern is misplaced. “For early infancy, being touched and held is a fundamental need,” she explains.
You can learn the broad strokes from a used child development textbook or free resources on milestones for ages 0 to 17 from the CDC, Doan says. Of course, individual kids will have unique abilities and needs that vary based on their cultural context, personal developmental trajectory, and other factors, she notes.
2. Support Self-Trust
Starting at an early age, help your child learn that they’re the experts in themselves and that no one knows how they’re feeling better than they do, says Rebecca Hershberg, PhD, clinical psychologist and parenting coach in Dobbs Ferry, New York.
You can do this by accepting what kids say about their internal world and not telling them how to feel — even when setting limits on behavior, Dr. Hershberg says.
For example, if your kid insists they’re hungry right after lunch, you can validate their experience without letting it run the show. Instead of saying, “You couldn’t possibly be hungry. We just ate lunch,” try saying, “I know you’re telling me you’re hungry. We just ate lunch, so we’re not going to have snacks right now,” suggests Hershberg.
Youth who are taught to doubt themselves may become teens who don’t trust their gut, says Hershberg. That can lead to trouble, like second-guessing their feeling that a party is getting out of control and it’s time to leave. Research also suggests that when parents habitually dismiss how kids feel, their kids are more prone to emotional health problems and difficulty managing and expressing feelings.
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3. Offer Your Full Attention
“Kids are very social, and one of the most valuable things you can give them is your full-on attention,” says Doan. Even five phone-free minutes before bed each day can help nurture their emotional health, she says.
When children don’t get the regular quality time they crave, their well-being suffers. In a review of 13 studies on “technoference” (when digital devices habitually interrupt time together), having parents glued to their phones and other devices was linked to increased depression and anxiety in adolescents.
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While young kids tend to be open to parental overtures, teenagers can be trickier, Doan acknowledges. For them, focus on creating the possibility of connection, whether or not they take you up on it. Make it your job to be available, giving, pleasant, and never imposing, she advises.
4. Amplify Positive Moments
Positive emotions not only feel nice, but a review of the research suggests that they build capital that kids can draw on to deal with future hardships, says Doan.
To help your child store up the good stuff, savor small happy moments that are already there, Doan says. If your child comes home from school pleased with a painting, don’t just say it’s nice. Get excited. Ask questions. Prolong the moment. “You’re taking a positive experience and enhancing it,” she explains.
5. Give Chances to Work Through Challenges
While it may seem kind to smooth out as many bumps as possible on your child’s path, this approach doesn’t nurture mental health, research suggests.
For example, in one study, university students who said their parents were overprotective were also more likely to report worse emotional well-being as measured by anxiety, depression, and inability to recognize and describe feelings.
Instead, provide opportunities to practice persistence and support your child in seeing things through, says Doan. Say your child felt nervous on their first day at gymnastics and doesn’t want to go back. Rather than pulling them from the activity, normalize that things are often scary the first time and encourage them to keep going for a while, she suggests. They may never nail a back handspring, but they can learn to handle something hard.
6. Model Emotional Health
When caregivers model mental health, kids benefit, says Hershberg. “Emotional health doesn’t mean spotless, emotional perfection,” she adds. “It’s about emotional awareness and emotional expression.”
Research backs this up. In one study, for instance, fathers who had trouble naming or talking about their feelings said their toddlers had more emotional and behavioral problems than dads who were more comfortable doing so.
Look for ways to have developmentally appropriate conversations about the role of emotions in day-to-day life, Hershberg suggests. If your kids are driving you bonkers in the backseat, tell them you’re feeling frustrated and worried the family outing will be a bust. When you name and talk about how you feel, ideally, your kids will learn to as well, she explains.
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7. Nurture Healthy Sleep Habits
“When we don’t sleep enough — even for one or two nights — we are more irritable, we are more sensitive, we cry more,” says Hershberg. That’s why moving a child’s bedtime earlier by 15 minutes is one of her go-to recommendations when parents say their kids are having a hard time.
While individual sleep needs vary, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) recommends kids sleep between 8 and 16 hours, with younger children needing more hours and teens needing fewer.
According to the AASM, adequate sleep helps emotional regulation and mental health. Related research, including a study involving over 400 infants, also links sleep with healthy social-emotional development.
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