May-December Relationships: Can Big Age Gaps Work?
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Celebrity news stories are filled with May-December romances. In September 2023, Chris Evans and Alba Baptista tied the knot, according to Page Six — their 16-year age difference highlighting the fact that he could have driven to the hospital the day she was born. In the same month, Josh Duhamel and his wife Audra Mari (who have a 21-year age difference) announced on Instagram that they’re expecting their first child together. Then, of course, there’s Leonardo DiCaprio, who at 49 years old is known for dating much younger women, including his current girlfriend, 25-year-old model Vittoria Ceretti, per Us Magazine.
While couples with big age gaps can certainly work (just look at Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, whose 21-year relationship almost matches their 22-year age gap), they’re often subjected to a lot of criticism. Individuals who are in such relationships are often tagged with monikers like “cougar,” “cradle robber,” or “gold digger,” and according to research, the relationships are often viewed as inequitable, with the older partner reaping more benefits than the younger partner.
But just as the staying power of any relationship can’t be boiled down to a single factor, social stigmas surrounding May-December romances don’t indicate that such relationships are doomed to fail. “The healthiness of a partnership is based on both partners having shared values, respect, strong communication, and the desire to learn, grow, and continue to be curious about one another,” says Naomi Pharr, LMSW, who specializes in relationship therapy at the New York City Psychotherapy Collective. That said, age-gap relationships may have a few extra challenges to consider — here’s what you should know.
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‘Norms’ When It Comes to Age and Relationships
Factors like whether a couple is married or in a same-sex relationship affect the average age gap. Plus, outside of Western cultures, “normal” age gaps may vary, with larger gaps being more common, says Pharr.
According to 2021 data from the U.S. Census Bureau, when it comes to opposite-sex partnerships, cohabitating couples average a 4.3-year age difference, and married couples average a 3.7-year age difference. “Males tend to be the older partner in opposite-sex partnerships,” adds Pharr.
Male-male relationships tend to have larger age gaps, averaging roughly 7 years, regardless of whether the couple is married or cohabitating, according to the latest census data. Female-female relationships average about 4.6 years (for cohabitating couples) and 5 years (for married couples).
Regardless of the type of relationship or marriage status, across the board, these averages still remain less than the more-than-10-years difference that researchers have cited as the benchmark for an “age-gap couple.”
There are legitimate reasons why relationships between couples of a similar age might work more easily than those with a wider gap. “Similar-aged partnerships tend to work because people like a partner with whom they can share common values and thinking and grow alongside, as well as being in the same life stage,” says Pharr. It makes sense that an individual in their mid-twenties, for example, who is likely in the early stages of their career and still defining their long-term goals and values, might find it easier to connect with someone at a similar life stage than someone in their late thirties or early forties with a well-defined career, family plan, and life path.
Challenges to Age-Gap Relationships
Not being at the same life stage is a major factor when it comes to some of the challenges experienced by those in relationships with a 10-year or greater gap. For instance, a much older partner may be more likely to experience health issues or have concerns that a younger partner might not relate to. Of course, that doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work, but certainly, to stay on the same page, consistent communication is required.
Pharr states that this internal challenge is likely one of the most difficult, as it can be hard to make room to accommodate a partner’s needs when they’re at a different life stage. “One way to work through this challenge is to build strong and consistent communication. Relationships begin to experience fractures when communication falters,” she says.
Then, of course, there are external challenges as well. The social stigma surrounding age-gap relationships can’t be ignored, and depending on the people in the relationship, may contribute to extra stress or problems. “Age-gap relationships tend to be judged more harshly than non-age-gap ones, and outside opinions can affect the relationship,” says Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor and certified sexuality educator in private practice in Singapore.
In the same vein, Pharr mentions that it’s common for the legitimacy of age-gap relationships to be questioned — with a younger “gold digger” partner supposedly only in it for the money, or an older “cougar” or “cradle robber” only in it for sex and appearances. This is something that may not matter for couples with a solid and secure relationship, but it could wreak havoc if there’s a lack of trust or communication between partners.
In some instances, these perceptions could also be reality, as Lee points out that power imbalances can also impact the long-term viability of age-gap relationships. “Power imbalances can lead to issues with decision-making and control,” she says. For instance, if the older partner is more financially secure, they may consciously or unconsciously try to control the trajectory and decisions of the couple, which may ultimately cause a rift.
Safeguarding Age-Gap Relationships Against Challenges
According to research, older partners in an age-gap relationship tend to be more satisfied with their relationship for the first 6 to 10 years than partners in a similarly age-matched relationship. But after the initial years? Their satisfaction declines at a more significant rate than age-matched partners. The researchers also found that age-gap couples who experienced worsening finances had a bigger decrease in marital satisfaction compared with similarly aged couples, which supported their theory that age-gap couples “are less resilient to negative shocks” than age-matched couples, due to their different life stages.
That said, while it may be a challenge to keep the love going strong, some of the other assumptions about age-gap relationships appear to be largely unfounded. For instance, there’s research to support that younger women in age-gap relationships largely have secure attachment styles, debunking the idea that they may suffer from “daddy issues.” Other research also indicates that partners in age-discrepant relationships tend to score better on measures of trust, unselfish love, and jealousy than those in age-similar relationships. In other words, age-gap relationships can be quite healthy.
In fact, the age gap itself could lend itself to more and better communication about the relationship and each partner’s expectations and needs. “Because age is such a visible and constant marker in society, it will likely have a similar role within a relationship. An age gap can encourage more conversation in the partnership because the couple’s difference tends to be at the forefront of the partners’ experience, thus they are more intentional about thinking about, and making space for difference, on a regular basis,” explains Pharr.
And truly, any solid and lasting relationship boils down to communication, trust, and support. Both Pharr and Lee emphasize that developing and committing to healthy communication is the best way to safeguard an age-gap relationship from significant problems. “Prioritizing communication, accepting that change is the only constant in growth, and making space for individual and joint needs within the partnership all need to exist to continue to grow together,” says Pharr.
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