How to Help Your Child Overcome an Inferiority Complex
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When kids don’t feel confident about themselves or their abilities, it’s not unusual for them to face struggles with their peers, their teachers, and sometimes even their families.
But when those feelings of inadequacy are coupled with angry behavior, anxiety, blue moods, and avoiding playtime, parties, and other social situations, it may signal an inferiority complex, says Leigh Johnson-Migalski, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in the Chicago area.
Although the term is not recognized in the American Psychiatric Association’s current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, an inferiority complex can be thought of as a constellation of thoughts and behaviors that together impede a person’s ability to feel competent in almost all aspects of life. Many mental health experts use the term chronic low self-esteem, which can exist in both children and adults.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children who struggle with low self-esteem may show the following signs:
- Avoiding trying new things or giving up soon after starting for fear of failing
- Cheating or lying when they believe they’re going to fail
- Acting babylike or very silly
- Becoming bossy or inflexible to hide feelings of inadequacy
- Blaming others or making excuses when things don’t go their way
- Avoiding social situations
- Experiencing regular sadness, crying, and angry outbursts
- Making comments that are very self-critical
- Having difficulty accepting praise
- Placing lots of value on what others think of them
If you’re wondering if your child is struggling with an inferiority complex, ask yourself, “Does my elementary school-age child consistently cooperate with teachers, friends, or playmates?” advises Dr. Johnson-Migalski. “Are they struggling with friends in the community or family members?”
It’s important to note that an inferiority complex can occur alongside other psychological issues, such as depression and social anxiety disorder. If you see changes in your child’s view of themself or the way they’re relating to others, and it’s affecting their social and school life, a therapist (either in or outside of school) may be helpful.
How Can You Help a Child With an Inferiority Complex?
As a parent, you play a crucial role in helping your child develop a healthy self-esteem. A study published in 2021 in Frontiers in Psychology found that parents have a large impact on their child’s self-esteem (which has been shown in countless other studies), and exhibiting emotional warmth while setting clear boundaries is associated with higher self-esteem among children. On the flip side, being overprotective, neglectful, or overly critical are associated with negative self-esteem and inferiority complex.
Here are seven ways you can put positive parenting into action, to help your child avoid or overcome an inferiority complex.
1. Let Them Find Solutions to Problems
“If the child is having difficulties with friends, instead of telling them what to do, ask ‘How are you feeling about this situation? How have you tried to fix it? What happened when you tried that?’” This helps your child find a sense of belonging and connection with others and helps them believe in their own abilities, Johnson-Migalski explains.
It’s fine to brainstorm solutions together, Johnson-Migalski adds. But let the child ultimately decide which actions to take. This fosters critical thinking, which is key to developing a feeling of competency. “If we fix everything for our children, they won’t know how to function as adults,” she explains.
2. Don’t Be Critical
For children, criticism can create feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and fear, says Gino Mortillaro, MD, a psychiatrist who works with young adults and adolescents at Kaiser Permanente in Los Angeles. He explains that most of a child’s sense of self and self-worth comes from the sense of value they have in their family. “So criticisms over something that we may find minor as adults can impact a child’s entire sense of worth and adequacy,” Dr. Mortillaro says.
3. Praise the Child’s Efforts
Instead of being critical, you should aim to praise your child for their efforts. But Mortillaro says that it’s important to be specific. “Children often have not developed the ability to abstract or interpret information, so nebulous praise such as ‘That was great’ can lead to uncertainty about what exactly they are being praised for doing,” he says. Instead, he recommends being very specific, saying, for example, ‘I really like this blue you used to color the sky in your drawing.’
“This simple method of praise can show your child that you are paying close attention to something they have done, appreciate and value your interactions with them, and teach them a way to positively interact with the world around them,” Mortillaro says.
4. Set Clear Boundaries, Limits, and Expectations
“Avoiding criticism does not mean avoiding parenting,” Mortillaro says. For example, if your child does something hurtful or wrong, like teasing a classmate for their appearance or cheating on a test at school, you shouldn’t ignore it.
To set rules and boundaries in a way that supports your child’s self-esteem, Mortillaro recommends clear communication that focuses on the behavior, not on your child as a whole. For example, don’t call your child bad for teasing a classmate; instead, explain how such behavior is hurtful. “By identifying the specific behavior, we allow our child to recognize that it is not a criticism of them as a human,” Mortillaro says. This ultimately helps children learn how to behave in a healthy, kind way, without making them feel like they’re less than for messing up sometimes.
5. Encourage Self-Sufficiency
Assigning chores and other age-appropriate tasks helps a child build a sense of mastery and prevents them from becoming too passive or dependent, which heightens feelings of insecurity.
“Let the child pack their own backpack and remember to return library books to the school library,” says Johnson-Migalski. “If you remember all the things a kid has to bring to school, it robs the child of the opportunity to make their own mistakes and to learn from them.”
If your child forgets to return a library book, say, and is then upset because they’re not allowed to take out another book until they do, you can give them a hug and tell them that this will help them better remember the book next time, Johnson-Migalski says. “It’s important to let children experience those hurts so they build resilience,” she says.
6. Model Self-Compassion
Treating yourself kindly helps your child learn to do the same. “There are a number of ways you can model self-compassion in your day to day,” says Mortillaro. One simple way is to be intentional about how you react to small, everyday mistakes.
“If you spill your coffee, your reflex might be to show your frustration or grumble about having to change clothes. But if you instead give yourself the grace to say, ‘Mistakes happen and that’s okay — I can just change my outfit,’ you demonstrate important skills such as emotional regulation and distress tolerance,” Mortillaro says. You’re also showing your child that mistakes are okay, which can give them confidence to try new things without fear, he says.
7. Practice Mindfulness Meditation Together
An increasing body of research — including a study of sixth graders done at the Harvard University Center for Education Policy Research and an analysis published in Clinical Psychology Review of more than 100 studies — suggests that mindfulness practice (sitting quietly, usually with your eyes closed, and paying calm attention to your breath and your thoughts without judgment) increases optimism, decreases reactivity to stress, reduces anxiety and aggressive behavior, enhances resilience, and confers a host of other benefits in both children and adults.
Additional reporting by Christine Byrne.
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