Is It Normal to Feel Defeated After an MS ‘Bad Day’?
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The main reason I feel defeated is because of what happened almost a week ago. Sitting in my shower, using my right hand — the only partially coordinated part of my body, which I use for every movement — to hold onto the grab bar, and with soap in my hand, I fell face-first out of the shower. There was a high-impact injury to my right palm as it hit the ground, and I also hit my neck, which ended up as a whiplash scenario. The rest of me was relatively unscathed. Since my left leg doesn’t have any volitional movement, it just hit the ground with a resounding thud!
I was in shock for what seemed like days. I am just now feeling less afraid. It took almost a whole week to return to feeling like myself. Today I feel like it’s the best day I’ve had in a while.
Having MS Doesn’t Prevent Non-MS Health Concerns
Even as that fall set me back a whole week, I came to find out there was more on my plate.
I was just informed that I have a fibroid the size of my uterus. Having fibroids is part of being a woman, I suppose. My doctor and I have decided collaboratively to leave this situation alone. Instigating surgery comes with its own perils. Given my situation, something small could be serious. Let’s hope that menopause will help to shrink the fibroid so I don’t have to use other means. Of course, I will check on the status of the fibroid again in the spring, but for now, it’s not bothering me.
Getting Back on the Horse … or Into the Shower
Now I am climbing out of all this. But on a more positive note, a week has given me time to deal with the fear of falling again. I am ready to take my own shower today.
But before I embark on my shower (a huge undertaking), I need to think about the two things I am dealing with. Just because I have multiple sclerosis (MS) doesn’t mean other situations won’t arise, such as the fibroid. The other issue — falling — is certainly in my wheelhouse: The fear of falling is a constant threat.
I’m happy to report that the shower went well. Of course, it is not just the shower; it is getting dressed as well. Everything worked out just fine.
Why Is MS So Unpredictable?
All this leads me to think about something else. Why is MS a “good day” and subsequently a “bad day” sort of a thing? Today could not have been better for me. Even with that left leg, which has foot drop and is paralyzed, I managed everything well.
I am starting to learn when fatigue happens and what to look for. It’s just very frustrating when you don’t know what sort of day you will have. This has got to be the most frustrating thing about MS. Given the sort of day I had, I seriously wondered why I even have a caregiver. Why can I not be on this trajectory forever? I often think I am the reason I have bad days. But honestly, I doubt that is true. Inconsistency is everywhere with MS.
I have to realize that my brain and mind are not always in control of the emotions whirling around me every day. This is only one of the factors I have to keep in check, along with physical things, such as tremors and spasticity.
Once in a while, I get a break from hardship. Those are glorious days, so I enjoy them when I can.
Feeling Defeated Affects the Whole Psyche
The feeling of defeat is elusive. When it hits, the whole psyche suffers. Of course, there are ways to mitigate this, such as attitude adjustment and rest, but it is getting over the feeling of utter unfairness when a bad day hits that takes strength.
Of course, attitude helps everyday tasks. But I am willing to call out how we sugarcoat the endless disability and symptoms that keep us isolated from society, socially and financially. How I handle all this may be different from others, or maybe very much the same; that is individual preference. But the main problem, which is how we deal with defeat, is often the same.
I used to wonder if individual people had the same symptoms. Once I realized how vast the immune system is, I realized how varied people are. Now, instead of wondering about others, I reflect on my own situation. I have figured out what works for me, and that is where I put all my energy.
Now it’s the holidays, a time to be conscious of others around me and how to best use my energy.
I see a lot of power naps in my future!
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